Our friends and family marvel at how my wife, Bobbi, and I have managed to stay together without strangling each other during the past three decades. "You've been in the middle of one remodel or another the entire time!" they say. Then they cite numerous divorces that they are pretty sure were caused by remodels.

I'm quick to point out that we were renters until we passed the "seven-year itch." Then we started our first remodel. And, yes, we have been remodeling since then, but we have not always been in the middle of a remodel. Four times we were at the beginning, and three times at the end. There are significant differences between the beginning, middle, and end of a remodel.

The Beginning is great, and relatively easy for a couple to weather. This is when your mutual dreams are put to paper, workmen roll up their sleeves and begin demolition, and the fresh fragrance of sawdust fills the air. New walls rise up. Things happen fast, and the excitement drives you forward.

Unfortunately, it isn't long before you reach The Middle. You know you're there when you're sick of making decisions and trying to figure ways to buy granite on a laminate budget. You hit the depths of The Middle when the last gasp of excitement dies in the tracks of the workers' muddy boots, the Skilsaw's endless scream, and the umpteenth layer of dust on your toothbrush.

To avoid killing your partner at this point, you must minimize the duration and intensity of The Middle. You must develop fast-food palates, Sherpa-style survival tactics, and the patience of Job. You must revel in measuring room temperature by sweater layers and the wind's speed by the flutter of the plastic sheeting.

Of course, there are also a few practical steps you can take to ease the stresses and hassles that plague The Middle of most remodels:

For one, plan meticulously. Discuss what is crucial, what is preferred, and what isn't that important to you. Work together to establish a budget and plan a timeline. Don't punch a hole in an exterior wall if you don't have the window on hand to plug it. And beware of tearing off your roof in November.

Doing your homework up front is critical. If you work with a contractor, make sure you find a good one. Adding poor workmanship, cost overruns, mistakes, and personality problems with a contractor to the already significant stress of a remodel can drive you to ruin. Choose someone who you won't mind having in your midst day in and day out (particularly if you plan to live in the house during the remodel).

Set up ways to keep disruption to a dull roar. It helps to establish ground rules for workers regarding use of bathrooms, cleaning up the site, closing doors, and so forth. (Ideally, have a portable toilet delivered so workers won't need to use your home's facilities.) And pack up and store your valuables and breakables so you don't have to worry about them.

You might even want to pack up your family and move to an apartment for a couple of months. But don't leave town. Though you may be tempted to go on vacation, resist the urge. You must be on hand to make decisions and keep an eye on progress; otherwise, you may open the door to disastrous mistakes that can put you at each other's throats.

The End of a remodel is, once again, easier to handle. When the paint dries, you can breathe a huge mutual sigh of relief, knowing that you have made it-or a variation of it-and managed to keep your relationship in tact. And you can be proud of your accomplishment.

Despite the horror stories of families torn asunder by remodels, I believe that remodeling can actually strengthen the bonds. A remodel isn't easy, especially when you're in the middle of one. But it is the stuff of life: excitement, challenge, change, hardship, and rewards. Remodeling focuses you on a common goal, strips away some of life's protective insulation, and demands growth and flexibility.

I'll try that one on Bobbi when we tear the roof off our bedroom this summer.

-DV

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